Posted by: jaypeemanuel | January 22, 2009

Nothingness

With nothing in mind, I opened my word processor thinking nothing. There’s actually nothing to write about, nothing that can actually make me process my thoughts. It’s only absolute nothingness, and that’s what I have tonight, and what I am, forever. And how pitiful am I, to be a senseless creation, created with nothing, living with nothing and looking for nothing. Though my desires seem to be good at all, the truth is, they are not, they are just all decoys, never really revealing what I am really made of. It’s just a façade, nothing truthful, because I am totally nothing. And how disgusting is my life, living and breathing a repeated routine of nothingness. Thinking that I am doing something but no, I am just a poor being trapped in the dimension of nothingness. I’ve never actually achieved anything. And if there is any, there has been anything, that I’ve thought that has made me land on the moon, then I’d been fooling myself to brag about it, cause there was nothing there. I’ve just made a few rings of waves but actually have done nothing. And those waves, would just surface in a few seconds but shoot, a few seconds more and they are gone, onto nothingness. And how miserable is my life, eating, drinking and getting merry. Everything seems to be fine but everything is empty as well. I took a cup of tea thinking that there was a great blend of liquid poured into it, but the cup was empty. It looked full in the outside, it even looked heavy, but there was none to drink, nothing to celebrate about. I might have showed a very peaceful, happy and contented life, but behind the curtains of the cocktails hides the devious creature, waiting for a fly to be trapped in my web and devour the smelly flesh of it. I am too evil, crooked and unloving, yet the world sees me as someone who is ought to be leading them, someone whose voice can lead the herd back into the fold, and someone whose strength can beat a thousand battalions of Phalanx. They all think that way, but they are all wrong. For I cannot even protect myself, I cannot even find my way back to my own place and I cannot even speak for what I want. I am too childish, and too callous. Yet, despite my evil and bloodlust desires, there was someone whose arms were open wide. One whose eyes for me looked beyond my misery and disgust, one whose soft voice was enough to overpower my thunderous voice. He is the one, whose face was ready to accept shame, so that I can finally come to his name. I don’t deserve your help, but you gave it. I can’t even look at you, but your eyes are fixed on me, how can I not see that? I don’t even deserve to live, but there you are, living a life for me. I don’t deserve you, I am nothing, and you are everything. But why this act? Well, I don’t care anymore, I cannot understand why, probably, I will never know why. But seeing you around me makes me more eager to trust and know, not why, but how. So, let me fall into again into nothingness and find my everything… you…


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