Posted by: napakagandako | October 2, 2008

Multipolar disorder

Frightening. Chilling to the bones. Facing the unknown. Scary. Nakakatakot. Ayan naaaaaa.

These were my exact thoughts after opening my phone and seeing Kuya Lance’s name on my inbox. Immediate thought was: “Hmmmm…delete or not delete?.” (Haha, joke.)Anyway, the name was nothing compared to what was in the message. The message was a request for prayer back-up for this Sunday’s “opening of Discipleship season 2” with 4 new disciples to drain brain and blood from.

I don’t really know why after reading the message, I felt a chill run down my spine because of so many mixed emotions that overcame me. I felt:

1) Nauseous because I never really thought that the time would come wherein we would then be left on our own to actually disciple. It always seemed like a dream and vague reality from afar.

2) Panicky because then I figured its been so long since I did something to actually prepare for it. No moments alone with God, no reading the Bible, a little prayer here and there before the day begins and while travelling but then that’s it. Sadly, that’s been the height of my spirituality this past few days. The feeling was akin to facing an exam the next day and cramming for it the night before.

3) Sad to an extent because its not us who’ll be meeting every Wednesday no more (Eeew, cheesy) and well, those were the days wherein you’re fully aware of growing closer to God with a group of people. It was a wonderful kind of awareness.

4) Anxious-excited because now I’d have to start praying for a different set of people to be growing with. I just don’t know yet who they’ll be, though I have a very vague picture already which I am currently praying for. (Pray, pray.)

5) Anxious-scared because I feel like I’m not yet fully prepared for it. As much as there were so much lessons learned, so much sessions that passed, so much coffee drank, and so much blood spilt from our noses, I still feel unprepared. I still feel incomplete (Centrum? I want to be complete.) I still feel like I’m missing a lot and not getting a lot to the point that there are times wherein when I’d listen to the sermon, I would always think, “If A is not right and B is not right, then what could the third choice have been? There must be a third choice if both are only partially true.”  I would always vividly see the pink elephant of focusing on doing what is good and not on not doing what is bad and thinking ‘is this inside out?’…”how about this?”..Complete paranoia. 

6) Awakened because the message reminded me of a call to make disciples. A call to talk to God. A call to completely surrender. A call to walk on waters. A call to fill a deep-well longing for God that’s been going on in me for a long time now, but that which I’ve been setting aside for lame reasons.

7) Uncertain. The blurred future and the lack of knowledge as to what to do next always get me off guard. It was funny how from the moment I received the text message till as I write this blog, my mind has been in a constant prayer of guidance and dependency. I clearly remember saying to God last night on the bus ride home “Lord, wag ka mag-dead air ngayon please, talk to me” at the height of my confusion and uncertainty and brink of being crazy. Interestingly, he replied via a giant TV in MOA flashing promotional chuvachuchu with “Follow me-GOD.” I almost laughed at the timing of it. And so I had to try it again, seriously, “wacha want me to do?” at which the bus stop right in front of it while the words “Follow me-GOD” flashed again. I was like, “Ok, where to?” and since there were no more billboards to use as medium to our conversation, a direct line was necessary as I heard him say “Trust me on this one and just follow me.”

That was more than enough. It nailed it. Indeed, as much as I am scared, uncertain, anxious, sad, happy, etc..such that I could pass as suffering for multipolar disorder (kung may ganun man), I am at peace because I’ve found that amidst the dark road ahead, I’ve got a great God in front of me to light the way.

It is dependency when you trust on someone to lead you on the long walk out of the dark.

It’s Christian dependency when you enjoy the walk out just because you know that that Someone leading you would lead you to a front-row seat to a life of a miracles.

Let the 2nd batch-run of disciples begin with much to look forward to.

 

Experiencing a blessed kind of multipolar disorder because of this,

Tin


Responses

  1. Multipolar disorder. Nice title. It means layered of extreme feelings right?

    Well, that’s exactly what it feels to be a Water-walker.

    I’m so happy while reading your article. Hehe. It must have been quite an experience because it bugged you enough to even write all about it. But don’t worry, this is normal to all Water-walkers. This is comparive to the drowning sensation being felt by anyone who tries floating on waters. A lot can be learned out of this so don’t stop. Keep on trusting.

    Always remember. You are not alone on this. Literally, though remained unseen by many yet always seen by faith, Jesus himself pulls you over
    surface. He is our Chief Discipler and He is trustworthy. He never failed, not even once.

    Also, it’s a good thing you still feel incomplete because it will always make you humble. Be warned once you feel your already capable of doing it on your own. Because being on your own means doing it with God.

    Lastly, Take heart!

    He who is our Lord has conquered the world!

    “Ibinigay na kay Hesus ang lahat ng kapangyarihan sa langit at lupa. Kaya sa inyong paghayo, gawing taga-sunod ang lahat ng uri ng tao sa pamamagitan ng pagbabautismo sa kanila sa pangalan ng Ama, ng Anak, at ng Espiritung Banal at sa pamamagitan ng pagtuturong sundan ang lahat ng kanyang pinaguutos. Alalahanin ninyo, Kakasamahin natin si Hesus magpakailanman. ~ Mateo 28:18-20”

  2. I don’t really find any distinction between the Tin who was and the Tin who is. Both may be diagnosed with your so-called “Multipolar Disorder”. LOL!

    Seriously, I am having a feeling of a bit of anxiety as well. Not that I am forced to do it, but I want to do it, but I just can’t find the exact time for it. I am too pre-occupied with things i shouldn’t be worrying about. I just hope that God finally arrange it, and allow me to make disciples who will make disciples.

    tou gnwnai auton kai thn dunamin thv anastasewv autou kai [thn] koinwnian [twn] paqhmatwn autou, summorfizomenov tw qanatw autou

    Philippians 3:10

  3. Nice greek, JP.

    “γνῶναι”, which means “to know”, always never means as knowing someone as an acquitance. This is why in tagalog it is usually thought of as “makilala”.

    But “gnōnai” goes far deeper than skin-deep relations. It connotes more of an intimate bond between husband and wife, families and friends. It means togetherness or doing things in harmony with each other. It can also be likened to the kind of relatedness between each persons in the Trinity.

    Going back to discipleship, a disciple (mathetes) really “knows” his master (didaskalos) if he will “do” what his master “does”. This is the kind of relatedness or togetherness that marks their relationship. This is why John says: “We [know] that we have come to [know] him if we obey his commands. – by doing what he did, we are confident that we truly really know him.

    May the act of discipleship reflects the kind of relationship we have with our Master.

  4. hmmm, maybe I should try to learn Greek over the Christmas sembreak. Haha.

  5. ako Greek tsaka English ^_^

    kano pala mga kausap dito.. T_T


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