Frightening. Chilling to the bones. Facing the unknown. Scary. Nakakatakot. Ayan naaaaaa.
These were my exact thoughts after opening my phone and seeing Kuya Lance’s name on my inbox. Immediate thought was: “Hmmmm…delete or not delete?.” (Haha, joke.)Anyway, the name was nothing compared to what was in the message. The message was a request for prayer back-up for this Sunday’s “opening of Discipleship season 2” with 4 new disciples to drain brain and blood from.
I don’t really know why after reading the message, I felt a chill run down my spine because of so many mixed emotions that overcame me. I felt:
1) Nauseous because I never really thought that the time would come wherein we would then be left on our own to actually disciple. It always seemed like a dream and vague reality from afar.
2) Panicky because then I figured its been so long since I did something to actually prepare for it. No moments alone with God, no reading the Bible, a little prayer here and there before the day begins and while travelling but then that’s it. Sadly, that’s been the height of my spirituality this past few days. The feeling was akin to facing an exam the next day and cramming for it the night before.
3) Sad to an extent because its not us who’ll be meeting every Wednesday no more (Eeew, cheesy) and well, those were the days wherein you’re fully aware of growing closer to God with a group of people. It was a wonderful kind of awareness.
4) Anxious-excited because now I’d have to start praying for a different set of people to be growing with. I just don’t know yet who they’ll be, though I have a very vague picture already which I am currently praying for. (Pray, pray.)
5) Anxious-scared because I feel like I’m not yet fully prepared for it. As much as there were so much lessons learned, so much sessions that passed, so much coffee drank, and so much blood spilt from our noses, I still feel unprepared. I still feel incomplete (Centrum? I want to be complete.) I still feel like I’m missing a lot and not getting a lot to the point that there are times wherein when I’d listen to the sermon, I would always think, “If A is not right and B is not right, then what could the third choice have been? There must be a third choice if both are only partially true.” I would always vividly see the pink elephant of focusing on doing what is good and not on not doing what is bad and thinking ‘is this inside out?’…”how about this?”..Complete paranoia.
6) Awakened because the message reminded me of a call to make disciples. A call to talk to God. A call to completely surrender. A call to walk on waters. A call to fill a deep-well longing for God that’s been going on in me for a long time now, but that which I’ve been setting aside for lame reasons.
7) Uncertain. The blurred future and the lack of knowledge as to what to do next always get me off guard. It was funny how from the moment I received the text message till as I write this blog, my mind has been in a constant prayer of guidance and dependency. I clearly remember saying to God last night on the bus ride home “Lord, wag ka mag-dead air ngayon please, talk to me” at the height of my confusion and uncertainty and brink of being crazy. Interestingly, he replied via a giant TV in MOA flashing promotional chuvachuchu with “Follow me-GOD.” I almost laughed at the timing of it. And so I had to try it again, seriously, “wacha want me to do?” at which the bus stop right in front of it while the words “Follow me-GOD” flashed again. I was like, “Ok, where to?” and since there were no more billboards to use as medium to our conversation, a direct line was necessary as I heard him say “Trust me on this one and just follow me.”
That was more than enough. It nailed it. Indeed, as much as I am scared, uncertain, anxious, sad, happy, etc..such that I could pass as suffering for multipolar disorder (kung may ganun man), I am at peace because I’ve found that amidst the dark road ahead, I’ve got a great God in front of me to light the way.
It is dependency when you trust on someone to lead you on the long walk out of the dark.
It’s Christian dependency when you enjoy the walk out just because you know that that Someone leading you would lead you to a front-row seat to a life of a miracles.
Let the 2nd batch-run of disciples begin with much to look forward to.
Experiencing a blessed kind of multipolar disorder because of this,