I don’t really know what title I should put in this blog entry. As far as I know, its a collection of randomness. So there..
Ever since I stepped into UP, I knew that it would be the beginning of a long struggle for me. And hell, was I right. Emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually- the place could kill. I can’t exactly explain how but it could. I clearly remember, three years ago, when I first stepped into the AS lobby (Palma Hall) to see two people kissing without tomorrow, the silent prayer I whispered to God. It was “Lord, if I could reach out to one soul-just one soul in this university even before I graduate, mamatay na kong masaya.” I was burning then, ablazed with the fire of spirituality and idealism back from High School.
Three years forward, I still see people kissing in the AS lobby- most of the times, of the same gender, I still see a lot of things that are out of my league especially with the kind of environment that I’ve had for 16 years but ironically so, the prayers of “Bless me O Lord and Enlarge my territory (Jabez’s)” and “Use me in this University” has amazingly declined.
Interestingly, I’ve had offers from Christian organizations to join them and support their mission of saving the university from eternal damnation (re-worded)- all of which I turned down because, I just don’t see myself doing what they do with joy. I know, deep inside my heart that I’d still want to go to the ends of the earth to shout to the world the kind of love that I have for my God and most importantly Him for me, but somehow my actions don’t show what I want more than anything else.
For instance, there was this time wherein on the way home, while my friend and I were on the jeepney, and she was pouring out her tears on me as regards her family problem, I heard God talking- and it was one of those times that I know it was God, I was fully aware it was Him- He was telling me that this is the soul I asked for. It was a repeated voice inside my head telling me “Tell her how much I love her.” But I didn’t listen. I didn’t do it. I was suddenly aware of the people in the jeep, staring and listening and well, it got me so conscious that the only thing I was able to say to my friend was “Ok lang yan, I’ll pray for you.”
The voice didn’t stop though, the whole MRT ride, I was hearing the same silent whisper and the whole MRT ride turned out to be the most uncomfortable for me because I was refusing the Voice. I was scared to do it. I was- i don’t know- ashamed to do it in public. My exact reply to God’s voice that time was “Hello? Awkward position? Can you imagine me praying for someone in the MRT? Are you sure you want me to do this?”
The voice has stopped. It stopped the moment my friend stepped down the MRT. And well, from then till now, my soul has been in a kind of turbulent confusion.
Till by the end, as I close this blog, I heard a voice, becoming familiar to me, saying two words enough to get me smiling and crying at the same time: “Next time, tin. Next time.”
Now, I have a title. Sa uulitin nga naman. 🙂